Drowning

With oncology appointments, scans, treatments and more
Like waves that wash over me…but where is the shore?

There are so many things that go through my head each day
The feelings of oppression I wonder how long they will stay?

Drowning in helplessness when I can’t get out of bed
Feeling some days like drowning in water over my head.

Drowning with anxiety that feels like a weight on my chest
Each and every day I give more than my best.

If you care to listen, hear me now when I am raw with emotion
I am overwhelmed, fighting a current out there in an ocean.

Every morning I wake up, I never know how I will feel
Will the waters be calm? The uncertainty is real.

One day I’m in the hospital getting a blood transfusion
I’m lightheaded and dizzy and feeling confusion.

One day I wake up in the morning feeling strong and fit
But then I get a call from the nurse and the bad news hits.

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My heart is weak from the treatments to fight cancer
Will I be able to get more chemo? I don’t know the answer.

The cancer I have is an aggressive kind
I am only 38, I am not ready to die.

I tend to bury my anxiety and have kept this fear of death inside
But I am swimming against the current now with nowhere to hide.

Some days I am drowning- my fears are an ocean so vast
Some days it is hard to stay afloat and the water swells fast.

I swim toward the shore, swim for my life feeling like I will drown
But I have made it through today although tears may trickle down.

I look forward to the day when I make it breathless to the shore
For now I am alright and I will continue to do my best and more.

Though the water is deep and I feel as if I am freezing
What is waiting on the shore is warm and it is freeing.

I did not drown and have made it through another day.
Sometimes the shore is nearby and other times far away.

Today is a gift. When I stop struggling I float.
Sometimes I am alone, sometimes with a full boat.

As the waves move up and down, I may smile or shed tears
But today I have not drowned from the cancer or fears.