I sometimes think about what exactly to say if cancer had a face to it. Some questions pop into my mind such as, “Why are you responsible for so many deaths all over the world?”Are you the devil? But reality would kick in and they I wonder, “Am I going insane? Do I need counseling? Will I recover?” So many unanswered questions.
Why cancer, why did you come into my life, why did you break my heart, why did you take my family away from me? What did I do to deserve this? Do you hate me that much? Cancer became my number one enemy. I wish researchers can come up with a one cure for all, but a girl can dream, right. How do you heal a broken heart? Can you really stop all my tears shed every night? Is it your life’s vision to wipe out the world’s population?
I sometimes fall into a really dark place where I wonder if medical science is working for us? In this technological era where grants are being provided, why is there no cure? But I need to trust that there is a higher power involved that still does amazing things. There are wonderful people who have dedicated their lives to eliminating cancer, so that people like us have a fighting chance against our cancer enemy.
Having gone through a lot of phases in my life, I repeatedly ask myself, what is next for me? Is death finally approaching? I honestly was preparing to leave this life behind as I felt as though I was just suffering too much. My thoughts were all over the place as I continued to cry every night. Then a miracle struck me one fine day as I finished all my chemo and radiation sessions. It was a moment of truth, as I had to do one last scan to determine whether the treatment had been successful or not, if there was any cancer still in my body.
As I closed my eyes and did the scan, I didn’t know what to expect. Will I have to endure more cancer treatment? Is it spreading? Please tell me, someone please answer all my questions. I got the results of the scan in my hand. I rushed to the car to read it as I just could not wait to reach home. As the report stated that there was no evidence of recurrent disease, my heart stopped for a while. I held my breath as I just looked up to the skies. I reached home and cried again but this time, the tears were different.
It was bittersweet. I finally got some answers but how long will this overflow of joy last? At this point, I stopped asking questions and decided to live my life, something I never paid attention to. You are so busy doing everything else, work, school, family, pets, you sometimes forget that there is a person inside you and not a robot. This person you are has feelings and experiences a whirlpool of emotions, which need to be addressed at some point in your life.
I took a walk outside that night, as I stared at the stars and realized that there is life after cancer. I didn’t have to plan my funeral anymore but accept that things have happened that molded me into the person that I am today. It soon became normal to express emotions and I finally had real friends. I came out of my robotic lifestyle and began to appreciate life and all its beauty. Falling in love with mother nature was a blessing.
Going on walks, playing with pets, visiting friends was a whole new world filled with excitement and joy. The simple yet little things in life carry with them a lot of fun memories. Looking at childhood pictures, laughing with lifelong friends are cherished moments in a person’s life. So, to my dear friend cancer, what can I possibly say to you at this point in my life but thank you.
Thank you, cancer, for making me strong enough to face all my past fears and get rid of all my trauma in life. Healing has indeed been a personal struggle for me, as I was just too afraid to let go of the past. Moving forward is challenging for everyone as change can bring about deep and unresolved emotions that not everyone is ready to face. But there comes a time in your life where you need to stand up for yourself and everyone around you and say to cancer, “Just like an ex, I will get over you, I shall and I will!”
To read this letter and the other letters to cancer, click here to read and download the June 2021 Magazine
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