I hate you. I hate everything about you. You latched yourself onto my breast and created a fast-growing invasive tumor that decided to travel to other essential parts of my body.
You do not care who I am. You do not care about my family, my heart, or my mind. You only care about killing and destroying the life I once had. You do not care about my dreams of dying peacefully as a content old woman, side by side with my loving husband. But that is not what you want.
You want my body to betray me, to struggle, to hurt and be scared day in and day out. I no longer feel the same about who I am. I hate that you stole my smile, my laughter, my light. I hate the way you bring endless tears and sadness with just the mention of your name. Six letters that make up one measly word that brings a tidal wave of destruction and fear.
I hate that you stole a year of my young life. I hate that you stole my fertility and my biggest dream of becoming a mother. I will never be able to experience the joy and feeling of being pregnant and carrying another life inside of my body.
I hate that I am reminded of you every day because of your aftermath. Your scars on my skin, your stolen hair, nails, eyebrows, femininity, appetite, and joy. You stole my physical strength, my ability to be independent, and so much of my confidence. I cannot stand to look in the mirror right now. I don’t even recognize the person looking back at me. I feel disconnected with my reflection.
I am tired of crying and feeling different. I am tired of the deep sadness and uncertainty that you bring to me. I hate that when I am done fighting you, and I have won this battle against you, I will still wake up every day and worry about reoccurrence. I will worry and stress about how reoccurrence will most likely mean a slow and painful death.
Cancer you have taken so many simple things away from me. I miss laughing and finding humor in the little and insignificant things in life. I miss the smell of the world while I sit inside protecting myself from the germs in the outside world. I miss the ocean and the ability to sit in the sun while you warm me from the outside in. All of these beautiful things I now have to avoid because of you.
Cancer, I hate that you have changed my relationships. You have caused dear friends to isolate me. You have caused my friends and family to be fearful of me, or what I look like. Many have stayed away because of you. You have caused my friends and family an equal amount of pain because of their fears of losing me to you.
Cancer I hate that you have rocked my marriage. You have broken our spirits and caused my husband to spiral out of control. He is lost and I can’t help him find his way back right now. I am too busy and weak trying to live another day and another hour.
Cancer, I hate that you cause an isolation that I could have never imagined. I often sit back and watch the world happen around me while I sit isolated in my own cancer bubble. It’s like I’m in an alternate universe. I have literally been fighting for my life while being pushed to the limits mentally and physically. This is a battle I could have never imagined for myself.
Cancer you have poked, damaged, and bruised my arms to a pulp from a trillion IVs and blood draws all just to receive the vital poison to hopefully shrink these rapidly growing tumors. You have caused me so much physical pain from the drug interactions, surgeries, biopsies, bruises, blisters and radiation burns. Not to mention, you have caused mental and financial pain since I have had to cut back hours and eventually stop working all just to have the time I need to fight this disease just to make sure it’s not going to kill me.
Cancer, I will never forgive you for what you have done to me or my family, but I will also never forget what you have taught me about myself. I have found a strength inside of me that I never knew existed. You took it all…. but you did not take me, my life, NOT TODAY Cancer.
All of the posts written for Elephants and Tea are contributed by patients, survivors, caregivers and loved ones dealing with cancer. If you have a story or experience you would like to share with the cancer community we would love to hear from you! Please submit your idea at https://www.elephantsandtea.com/contact/submissions/.