Hodgkin’s lymphoma

You Will Have to Learn

After completing my treatment in April of 2021, I had a mixture of emotions. I was happy that the treatments were over, but I was terrified at the same time. You see, being a cancer patient, treatments and checkups became a security blanket. I knew that the treatment was keeping the cancer away and I knew the checkups would catch anything if it did happen to show its ugly face again.

Carcinoma

A cold
Weight loss I was happy about
Chest pain
Hard to breath
Doctor said bronchitis
Then pleurisy

Wait
What’s this weird bump
Doctor said swelling
Wait
It’s bigger now
Doctor said time for a CT scan
Wait

The First ‘A’: On Loneliness as a 16-Year-Old Survivor

It was 7:31 PM on a Wednesday and as I stared into the wall that night, the last thing I wanted to feel was sorry for myself. Against every word the doctor spoke to me that dripped with his implicit condolences, my mom crying on the window sill beside my bed. With a quick post to Instagram I was showered with attention, likes, and words of encouragement—everything I needed to get me through… or so I thought.

Not Like the Others

We have made this drive before. However, the rocking of the car as it hits various cracks and potholes now leaves us worried about tire alignment rather than whether my mouth is aligned with an emesis bag.

I can stave off the beasts of negativity that paw at the edges of my mind until we reach the Cancer Center.

Consent & Good Bones

what does consent mean
if you aren’t saying yes for yourself
if every incision, stitch, vile of blood
is done because i am too scared to say no

When No One’s Around

The COVID-19 pandemic took away a lot of things, but I never thought something else could take away so much more on top of it all. COVID-19 took away celebrating my “dirty 30” birthday with friends and family, and two years of Christmases and New Years. But being diagnosed with cancer DURING a pandemic took away so much more than that. My name is Leigh-Ann, and I am a 31-year-old girl who has a strong love for reading, horses, and hiking. I’m from Barrie, Ontario, Canada, and this is my story.

I Remember…

I remember when she passed away. (I would like to place the utmost respect on her name and her memory but won’t name names). Her family posted on Instagram the news about her death. She had posted a few days earlier that she was in the hospital being treated for blood clots.

Who He Was

There is a drawing of a small bird that is nestled in my dresser drawer amongst my most treasured memories. I take it out occasionally, sometimes on a particular date and sometimes when a memory whispers for my attention. I never know when the thoughts will come, and years ago, I thought they would eventually fade away; but survivor’s guilt doesn’t choose to be graceful and exit quietly to stage left.

Give Yourself Some Credit: Body Image and Self Esteem 

“I am enough.”
“I will live in the present moment.”
“I love the life I am creating.”
“I am in control of my own narrative.”
“I am strong, and that strength isn’t going anywhere.” 

These are all things that I wish I could tell myself on a regular basis—and believe them too. I know the importance of reciting affirmations, and I know it takes time to start believing them. But they still feel ridiculous sometimes.

A Season of Healing

They said it would get harder as I go, and it’s getting harder.

The side effects from my sixth chemo treatment were the worst I’ve had so far. The fatigue over the weekend was intense and left me feeling too weak to move. Talking and breathing were a big effort.

Instead of going away and leaving me with some light nausea into the week, the fatigue lightened but hasn’t lifted. It’s really hard to effectively explain the feeling of being so weak.