Cancer

Sleeping with My Caregiver

Naked and ashamed, I just want to hide. I want to be alone. I don’t want what he wants. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I lay there hoping this time will be different. This time, I will be more into him. Maybe it won’t hurt, or I won’t bleed. Maybe cancer won’t have the final say.

The Luckiest Girl Around

I’ve spent a lot of time in my adult life joking about being cursed. Let’s face it, based on my track record, it’s an applicable joke.

When I was diagnosed with my first cancer over a decade ago, I was so damn scared. God, how I begged the Universe. Please, please no. Not this. But of course, the Universe doesn’t work that way, and cancer it was.

My Hidden Secret

To those whom I have lost along the way, I honor you. Dwayne. Luca. Sam. Dieter. Isabella.

Anger. Pain. Resentment. Emotions of such high negative value, but the hidden side of being a Cancer Survivor.

What are the thoughts towards what it means to be a Survivor? While my story of Cancer began in February of 2020, with a radical orchiectomy (removal of testicle and surrounding tissue), I’ve known Cancer my entire life.

The Weight of Living

It was a beautiful sunny day when I found out she had passed.

I was just becoming accustomed to a new tradition—stopping for gas station hot chocolate. It was a ritual I had begun after starting physical therapy to regain use of my right arm after the three surgeries I had.

It Must Be Me

As I lay there screaming into the ground, nothing came out, not even a faint puff of air. I had cried so many tears the day before from anger, frustration, and grief. I let my face just scrape up against the cold ground. It was the only way I could force myself to feel again: frigid ground attempting to wake me up. Waiting for Ashton Kutcher to tap me on the shoulder and exclaim, “YOU’VE BEEN PUNKED!”

Three Fewer Friends

Oftentimes, people who have experienced cancer know that with a diagnosis comes feelings of major guilt. All types of guilt. The guilt of feeling like a burden on those surrounding you, not being able to work, not having energy to do what you used to be able to, and being physically and mentally unable to do anything other than stare at a television or the wall. For me, one of the worst types of guilt is survivor’s guilt.

Cancer Meets Console

In 2019, I picked up a Nintendo Switch as an early birthday present for myself. I got it in the summer, anticipating to mainly use it when a new Pokemon game comes out in the following Fall. I barely used it until December of that same year, when I actually got into Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the first time, years after the game’s actual release.

Words Matter

Words matter.

The problem is that most people don’t really know what to say.

When I got diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer at age 35, I quickly learned that when people are at a loss for words, they revert to the old clichés.

Healing Words that Hurt

In some wars, siblings fight each other

With cancer, imposed means fight more within the body—an external-internal “battle” and for me, one I did not incite

As for a journey—I navigate different terrains of treatments and prospects, allergies and side effects that require not so much bravery as (half) indifferent perseverance

What a Thief

Cancer is a thief. It steals away time, happiness, relationships, experiences, and energy. Prior to my diagnosis of grade III RELA+ Anaplastic Ependymoma, I experienced what we now know were absence seizures. When my seizures started, they were only about 20 seconds or so in length, and they only occurred a couple of times a week.