Breast Cancer

What Happens After the Messy Middle?

The messy middle is what I’ve called the post diagnosis and active treatment era of living with cancer. But survivorship? Being a survivor? Wow, even writing that still seems like a foreign word to me.

Isolated and Lonely, But Not Alone

Being the extroverted introvert that I am when I was diagnosed with cancer April 2021, I didn’t realize exactly how isolating being diagnosed during a Worldwide Pandemic would be.

Dear Breast Cancer, I’m Celebrating the Wins

On August 24, 2022, at 40 years old I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was living blissfully unaware and taking “normal” for granted.

Cancer, you took what I thought defined my beauty: my breasts, my nipples, my hair and eyebrows, the brightness in my eyes. You put my body through the wringer with early menopause, sleepless nights filled with tears and anxiety, pains, diarrhea, 12 extra pounds, bloating, and depression.

Dear Cancer, What Do You Bring to the Table?

Dear Cancer,

What can I say that hasn’t already been said? You took my job, my house, my normal life, and now you take up space in my mind and body?

What do you bring to the table?

Pain and sadness. There are appointment times and pings throughout my back and shoulders as I stand in line, waiting to tell someone my name and DOB for the millionth time.

Dear Cancer, I Hear You

Dear Cancer,

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me of what matters in life. I used to wonder why you chose me; why at 33 years old you found me. Now, I get it.

2022 was the hardest year of my life. I was feeling burnt out at work and was dreaming about striking out on my own.

Dear Cancer, You Ruined So Much for Me

Dear Cancer,

I am so mad some days about why I don’t have an ordinary life. When I was diagnosed, I was only 33 and my babies were not even 9 months old.

You robbed me of so many fragile memories I have of my babies. You robbed me of their first birthday—I had to be at chemo instead of celebrating. Weekends in the hospital, months where I didn’t get to pick them up because of surgical restrictions.

Dear Cancer, You’ve Taken Enough From Me

Dear Cancer,

I write this letter to you to inform you that you may want to reconsider your approach. For me, you came on too strong, out of nowhere, and wanted to be the center point of my life. These are not qualities or characteristics that I look for, particularly in any aspect of my life that I am going to share everything with. You brought me to my knees and held me in a very dark place in the beginning and for quite a while after my diagnosis. I am writing to tell you to get lost and to stay gone. FOREVER. You may not understand why, so I have outlined some things for you.

Prayers

Prayers work wonders
Yet sometimes
They also make you wonder
Why sometimes
They are just not heard

My Journey From Chaos To Calm

Kintsukoroi – a Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold. They believe the repaired item is even more beautiful than the original, because of its imperfections. My cancer diagnosis shattered me into pieces, and I am only just sticking them back together, with gold.

I Left Her Behind

I left her behind.
It wasn’t my decision.
I miss her.
Not one day goes by that I don’t think of her.

I close my eyes and she’s there.
I think she’s imperfectly beautiful.
Easy on my eyes, if only in my eyes.