A Quiet Moment

by Vikki RamdassSeptember 7, 2021View more posts from Vikki Ramdass

Hi friends! I decided to write on a topic called “a quiet moment.” This simply means: what does a quiet moment mean to you? What do you all think about when you do get a quiet moment? Do you just relax and reflect or do you plan ahead? Do you remember all your past trauma or does your mind wander off to a faraway place? Do you think about a loved one or pet or do you just sleep or smoke? I guess the answer would depend on the person.

For me, a quiet moment meant that I was able to think clearly. I used to always plan ahead, trying to stay one step ahead in life, but when I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer, that all changed. I suddenly lost my ability to think clearly. Nothing mattered to me anymore, as I was not even sure whether I would live or die. This is a reality for many cancer patients. Your whole life just shifted, and your thoughts are now jumbled up inside your head, and you are even more confused than before. But how do you piece yourself together again?

Sometimes I felt like Humpty Dumpty. I had fallen into a dark hole which I cannot crawl out of. I would cry and scream and pray, but it still wouldn’t take the pain away. So, I just began to stare at the moon at nights. I felt relaxed, and when I was younger, I used to love star gazing. Oh yes, my quiet moment. When I was getting chemo, I never wanted to bother anyone with all my problems, so I would go outside every night and have a quiet moment to myself. Is that normal? I am not sure, but it helps!

Everyone has issues to deal with in this life. Life is not perfect, but you can try to make the best of life. A lot of people depend and lean on a physical person for strength, but when that person is no longer there, we simply cannot cope anymore. You are now in a position to deal with things all on your own, and trust me, that is easier said than done. How do you even begin to comprehend what has happened in your life? I found myself having to deal with my cancer diagnosis and treatment while trying to remain positive throughout. 

Then in my quiet moments, my past trauma would pop up in my head, like when my mom, grandmother and cousin all died from cancer. I would sometimes wonder if I am next, and why was I saved? How am I any different from them? But no one has all the answers. We search our whole lives looking for answers which simply aren’t there. Is a quiet moment really therapeutic or it is catastrophic? Hmmm, it is debatable. 

One important point to note is the location of your quiet moment. Is it indoors in your room or outdoors in a park? Is it noisy or quiet? Do you stare at nice pictures or do you simply stare at a wall? Do you listen to relaxing music or do you listen to nature? All of these affect the way you think. 

I eventually decided to confront my past and deal with my biggest fears. As I was in my early twenties, I started a job, but then I saw a whole new meaning to the term “working professional”. Never have I seen adults behave in such a manner in the working environment. I often wonder why I was in such a hurry to leave school in the first place, but that is a whole different topic all on its own. 

In my thirties, my fears of inheriting cancer became true. The thought was always in the back of my mind, but when it became a reality for me, I was not prepared for it at all. After all these years of caring for my mother, why me? Why wasn’t I spared from this tragedy? Am I not doing good things in this life? What more should I do to prove myself? Please tell me in my quiet moment, I still await the answer!

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