Survivorship

Exploring Death Anxiety in Cancer Survivorship

April 27th, 2020 is the day I will remember forever, as it is the day that I died. Looking back, I can only see my own naivety. The wide-eyed, hopeful version of myself. I never saw her again after that and I never will, but I can still see glimpses of her in the mirror.

The Roller Coaster Ride

I remember sitting on my very first roller coaster ride in West Edmonton Mall back in 2008. I was 11 years old at the time and I was peer pressured to go on the ride. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy it but I got on it anyway. Once the ride started, my hands started turning white from gripping the handlebars too tightly and I was screaming so loudly, as if my life was about to end.

What I Wish I Knew About Getting a Thyroid Cancer Diagnosis

I wanted to write about some things I wish knew about thyroid cancer. I just know how scary and frightening a thyroid cancer diagnosis is. I went through thyroid cancer treatment and radioactive iodine treatment for my thyroid cancer. It can be a scary experience for anyone who has a family history of thyroid issues. As a thyroid cancer survivor, it can make you feel a lot of mixed emotions, and it can cause some toxic thoughts.

Cancer’s Crash Course in Relationships…

Cancer is a disease caused by the uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body. It has uncontrollably killed my relationships and then has divided my surviving relationships into abnormal categories. These categories are: cancer is slowly killing us, cancer made us stronger, and cancer left us somewhere in the middle. Cancer has impacted my friendships, and I haven’t found a treatment that works yet.

Cancer Friends

Friends.

Cancer during COVID. Seven hours from family. Neutropenic in the middle of a global pandemic. An unexpected passenger on the roller coaster of life.

The Phrases That Define Us

“Call it by its full name—just saying ‘cancer’ gives it power over you.”

That was the advice given to me by my first managing oncologist (he helped manage my treatment, while a local guy monitored and took care of things if I was in the hospital) near the time I was diagnosed.

Survivorship is Hard

Survivorship is hard. It never goes away. You always live a bit on the edge, wondering what will happen next. Or even if you’re going to make it through the day. I’m by myself. Live by myself, drive by myself, flying solo (to the shock of the friendly Costco lady today). If I didn’t respond to any messages and wasn’t online for 24 hours my coworkers Daniel and Savannah would check in on me. But that’s a long time. 

Silver Linings

When you think of your life and how it’s supposed to go, cancer never enters the picture. But when it does, everything stops, at least temporarily. While you try to wrap your mind around the thought that this disease just might kill you.

I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew how scared other people would be, as if they could catch death just by being near me.
I wish I knew how many people would slowly fade away from me.
I wish I knew how incredibly hard it is to tell people how scared you are.

Scars and Souvenirs

“Your MRI result came back and it looks beautiful. We won’t know for sure until after surgery, but it appears you had a complete response to the chemotherapy.” As I heard my oncologist say these words, I could feel my heart start to beat a little faster, almost as if perking up at the idea of truly living again. Sure, I still had a lumpectomy, 20 rounds of radiation, and the rest of my immunotherapy to endure. But the cancer was gone and the worst part was over. I could breathe a sigh of relief as my life was finally mine again. Right?