What Was I Thinking?!

It had been a long, hot day, and my best friend offered to make me a bath. This was a simple yes or no question, but not for me. I paused for a few minutes to ponder her offer. I have factors to consider; I have chronic T-cell large lymphocyte leukemia. This past year, I have also taken on a mystery disease for fun, which has all the symptoms of chronic heart failure, but my heart is healthy.

Aliens

As I slowly transition out of the shower, I glimpse myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize my body. I see bright-colored stretch marks, dark and angry bruises, cuts that won’t heal, and scars I can’t place. Unsolicited weight gain, sagging skin, and multiple chins.

Surviving Survivorship: The Big C

The big C. The big C represents cancer, but change should be considered (I see the word change and sing “cha cha changes” in my head every single time). Change is a spectrum and is inevitable. Change can be good or bad, or something in between. It can impact you a smidge or profoundly, or something borderline. Cancer changes almost everything, especially perspectives.

Cancer and Loneliness Are Besties

Cancer and loneliness are besties. They bond over the fact that each cancer journey is unique to the patient. They can gossip about how different we are and how cancer impacts us. The rumors are true; our treatment options, treatment plans, socioeconomic impact, family impact, etc., will all differ.

Is This Mic On? Testing…123…Testing…

What we say to each other matters. Most of us know that but often speak before thinking. I know I have and will; I am human and make mistakes. I try to ensure my language is helpful, supportive, and sassy. I have learned that disclosing your cancer diagnosis invites people to share unsolicited thoughts, cancer stories, medical advice, opinions on your lifestyle, and so much more.

Infertility Chose Me

I didn’t choose not to have children; my body decided for me. My heart and brain were left out of the decision. More than a decade later, this is my first time writing about this. My heart still hurts, and tears roll down my cheeks as I type this.

Dual Diagnosis: Cancer Patient and Survivor

I consider a challenge to be a surprise; it sounds more fun. What I was concerned about at the beginning of my cancer journey are things I don’t even think about now. For example, managing the side effects of medication; I have that down to a science. I am a chronic cancer patient, and the unseen challenges/ surprises of survivorship might be slightly different than you think.

A Letter of Love

Dear newer Michelle,

STOP. Pause. Please take the time to really listen to what I have to share. Sit down in a quiet spot, in the sun in the backyard, in your favorite chair. Take a deep breath. Ensure you will be afforded peace and quiet so that you really absorb what I am saying and take self-inventory. This letter is a letter of love that I want you to take to heart. 

Dear Cancer, We Have Been on an Adventure

Dear Second Half,

We have been on an adventure for 13 years this April, ironically both of us are celebrating our “birth” on my birthday. I hate you, and at times I am grateful.

You have stolen moments from me that I will never get back. You have limited me in so many ways by constantly throwing a wrench into my plans. After 13 years, you have broken down my body; years of treatment, procedures, tests, hospitalizations, and because you are rare, often a lot of guesswork.